Five Things I’d Tell the Teen Me

Recently, I saw an article on Chick Lit Is Not Dead guest-authored by Jen Lancaster, the unfairly funny author of books like Bitter is the New Black. Start with that one and move forward through the rest; that’s what I did. Anyway. The article she wrote was, indeed, her version of what she would tell her teen self and that got me thinking…what would I tell me, if I thought for a second that teen me might halfway listen?

In no particular order…

1) Put down the cigarettes. I suffered from a misguided sense of what it meant to look cool, so I started smoking as soon as I could; it took me a little more than twenty years to stop again. Once I quit for good, and got over the hump of quitting, and got the requisite string of colds you tend to get after quitting and hacked up mysterious humours that were hiding in the depths of my lungs I realized…even though I was feeling crappy because I was going through the various stages of withdrawal, I felt…good. Not great, but good. I was processing energy more efficiently, I had less of a brain fog, my skin felt more vibrant and I thought…damn…for how long did I let myself walking around feeling bad? And how did that factor into decisions I made? How many times did I think, I just feel shitty, so why bother? How did this limit me in ways I can’t even fathom yet? Sure, the health concerns that surround smoking are also real, but metaphorically speaking, if it makes you feel bad…don’t do it.

2) You don’t have it all figured out. And you never will; you’re not that clever. When you think you do have it all figured out, hit yourself in the face with a hammer and go back to square one.

3) There are better ways to prove you’re an adult than by getting married. I met my future ex-husband at the tender age of seventeen and was engaged four months later. There are many ways in which I can in all legitimacy claim that the friction between the two of us helped shaped me into the mental giant who stands before you today. But I didn’t marry him for his friction, she said unwinkingly. I married him because I fell victim to the blue-collar thinking that the only way to leave my parents’ house was by marriage. I could go on about why, but I won’t, because it doesn’t change the fact that there are, indeed, other avenues toward adulthood one can pursue. Careers! Weirder and groovier jobs! School! More school! Travel! All of these are more than acceptable paths to take and none of them necessitate marrying young and moving no more than ten miles away from your parents.

4) Celebrate your natural athleticism. Think about all the ways it feels good to move around, and then do them. Keep skating. (I don’t mean “skating through things untouched”, I mean “strap blades to the bottom of your feet and hit the ice”.) Try martial arts. When things break or wear out or stop working for whatever reason…and they will…you’re going to have to kick your ass hard at the gym to start getting it back. Defend against that inevitable future and embrace your inner jock.

5) Keep writing. Write like your life depends on it. Write like it’s your life preserver. In a lot of ways, it is.

And a bonus!

6) You’re right to trust your instincts about that hairdresser. When you walk into Supercuts and they assign you a hairdresser that causes you to instinctively recoil? Walk away. Or else, accept that you’re going to have a boy-haircut and will have to spike it for the next few months and will be that weird girl with the spiky hair, until it grows in enough to not be a boy-haircut anymore.

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Happy New Year!

Recently, a friend asked me if I’d made any New Year’s resolutions. The truth is, I haven’t. The truth is, I think they’re a terrible idea, because they mentally set us up to do something differently for the next 365 days and if we don’t…failure! So when you miss that first planned day of going to the gym or you overindulge or don’t darn your socks in a timely fashion as part of your money-saving agenda, that’s not just a *biff*, that invites a negative moral judgment. You resolved to do this thing, to embark on this life-changing endeavor, and you? You failed.

Who needs that? Mark Twain said, “Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” In other words, Mark Twain got why resolutions are not geared toward fruition. You don’t throw the bad habit out the window and hope it sticks the landing, because it never does; you just let it go, bit by bit. Any advice anyone can give me about coaxing nail-biting downstairs will be greatly appreciated.

With that being said, New Year’s is…well…a new year. A new beginning, by definition a transition point and a good time to do a self-evaluation. Buddhists will tell you that everything is impermanent and so change is always possible as each moment is an independent one from the past, and there’s an undeniable reality to that. But non-Buddhist Westerners (like me) like to compartmentalize and pretend that change is something to be initiated and manhandled, even if in our hearts we know that’s not the case. I’m not saying it’s OK, I’m just saying that’s how it is. And so, here are some things I’ve recommended to myself to do, which you may be interested in doing, too. It’s far from a complete list, but let’s face it, neither you nor I have the time or energy to write down every little thing you observe and would like to change. At least not in one sitting.

Or you could. It’s your story to write, I’m just making suggestions.

1. Sweat more. Your skin will thank you for it.

2. Do you want it? Do you use it? No? Then throw it out, donate it, or recycle it. Interior clutter just clutters you, too.

3. Read a book. If you’re a student, take a break.

4. Stop hanging around with people you don’t really care about. Find the people you do really care about, and focus on them.

5. Pay more attention to your food; it does go in your body. Save the quota of junk influx for the aforementioned overindulgences.

6. Make friends with the question, “Now what?” Give yourself permission to not know, but never the permission to not look for the answer.

7. Be nice. By “nice” I mean, humane towards animals, playful but firm with small children and humble and open toward everyone else.

8. Consider other perspectives.

9. Don’t turn the TV on for “background noise”.

10. Find something you love and pursue it like you’re going to ignite if you don’t.

I just watched a PBS-Dr. Wayne Dyer show called Excuses Begone, and while he dances into the religious a little more than I’d like, he always offers sound advice. In Excuses Begone, Dr. Dyer reminds us of what H. Jackson Brown, Jr. said, to “Never underestimate your power to change yourself (oh, OK, cool!); never overestimate your power to change others (oh, crap).” So I’m not envisioning that I will change the world with this, no matter how much I’d like to dash in and save you all with my insurmountably groovy appeal. Honestly, I’m hoping I can follow my own advice, though with that statement I realize I have already undermined myself, so I’ll stop it. It’s that easy to be self-defeating. The hard part is embracing fabulosity, even though it’s what we all want for ourselves.

So go on, be fabulous. It’s OK. Have a delicious sandwich and I’ll see you ’round the recycling center.

Now what?

Read more from me at http://beyondpaisley.wordpress.com/

The Amazing Casserole That Says I Love You.

I know it’s not just my community because I’ve seen it in so many communities. When someone gets hurt or injured, people rally ’round with casseroles. They’re never going to go out of date. You put a bunch of wonderful things in a bowl (in my culture, it’s usually embellished with cheese), you mix them up, you throw it in the oven and cart it from your house to the house of the one needing food. Or, you mix it up and cart it from your house to the house of the one needing food and they put it in their oven.

If you want to know the scent of a friend’s arms around you, it’s the scent of a casserole bubbling in the oven. At the end of a crazy, difficult day of caring for yourself or your family, nothing inclines one more to the saying of grace than the sharing of food.

Whether it’s facilitated by telephone tree or Google calendar, it is perhaps one of the key building blocks to community. In one of my wedding couples, the husband (and father) died very slowly of ALS. Their community fed them, mowed their lawns and cared for them for months and months. Some never need more than one lasagna. But whatever is given changes one’s involvement in a community forever.

I’m grateful to all the men and women who make love taste so good. Blessings on you all, wherever in the world you find yourself. (And for those in need, don’t be afraid to ask. It can be the sweetest gift you’ll give a friend who really wants to help.)

Philanthropy & Giving Circles

There is no question that times are hard for people and for charitable organizations. It is also a hard truth that services that might be provided by our government will not be funded due to lack of resources. We can argue across political lines who should pay for what. Or we can do as much as we can of what needs to be done. I look at our schools and social services and think, they need support now.

There are groups who have lists of effective charities, and it’s always good to support organizations with a track record of making a difference. I’ve written in another blog post about Fixes a weekly column in the New York Times. One of the things they keep tabs on is which organizations and what style of philanthropy is working.

I think one way that we can make a difference is through giving circles. If we gather our friends together and make decisions about where we’d like to have impact,

It allows us to participate in a much larger way in the financial success of an organization.
We can involve our kids in the notion and the reality of giving. Kids can make good choices about the kind of help that’s needed.
It keeps us talking about what’s important to us as individuals, families and communities.

It’s a new year. Many of us feel we don’t have enough… but I would encourage us all to look at what enough is compared to the people in our community. It’s easy to get lulled into the need for more, when we might better be coaxed into generosity.

Tarot Reading for 2012 – How People of Passion and Spirit Can Transform the World

I’ve never tried anything like this. Wanted to do a reading that I could send out in tweets. It was a challenge to capture the meaning and also the passion of the cards. Such a strong reading. So much we can do… if we choose. and isn’t that always the question! Do we choose to be the people who make the world a better place. I’m in. Are you with me? Here’s how the reading went!

How will people of power and inspiration do at making their world better in 2012? Tarot reading w/ Thoth Deck. Modified Gypsy Cross. Watch!

OK! 14 cards: 8 major wisdom, 1 face card. 2 releases of long-term patterns of holding back. The universe is ready. Will we take the risks?

Atmosphere: XVI The Tower—Restorer, Healer, Renovator. Need to constantly eliminate that which is false. Talents w/ structures of ideas.

Question: VIII Adjustment—Mediator, Arbitrator. One who loves simplicity, clarity, fairness, balance. Research best possible change.

Covering: 10 of Cups Satiety—emotional contentment, satisfaction and peace that comes from within. Energy and passion to do the work at hand.

Crossing: 4 of Discs(Pentacles) Power—We have the tools we need if we use all our gifts: body, mind, spirit & heart. We have both the strength & will.

First Insight: A mighty wind will blow bringing in major change. We have the power & peace of mind to clarify, balance & seek solutions.

Crowning: 3 of Discs (Pentacles) Works—The lens through which we look at the world acknowledges: We’re willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

Below: XII Death—Releaser, Eliminator, Expander. We stand on new ground created by the death of constriction. We move toward transformation.

Behind: 5 of Discs Worry—We’ve finally decided to stop fretting & start doing! Now is the time. What we need will come. Release fear; embrace hope.

Before: V The Hierophant—Teacher, Counselor, Consultant. A new structure will be created, committed to community, family & cooperation. (immediate future, looking good!)

Second Insight: Very strong indication that new community will be built on the ashes of the past. Release our fear & step into possibility.

Self Reflection: 5 of Swords Defeat—At last! We’re ready to give up second guessing ourselves and move into more passionate & creative existence.

From Outside: 0 The Fool—One who walks without fear. Others see us as fearlessly going where we are needed, certain we will be sustained.

Hopes/Fears: IV The Emperor—Builder, Doer, Visionary. The choice is ours: Build a community that serves the people, or shut our hearts down.

Third Insight: We can believe what is true & valiant & courageous about ourselves & act on it. Or we can defeat ourselves. Choose life.

Future 1: Prince of Discs—Architect. We’re going to build us a beautiful, abundant world! Steel-like determination to move past obstacles.

Future 2: 8 of Swords: Interference—We can give up over analysis. Or we can stop ourselves in our tracks with our thinking & rethinking. Choose life!

Future 3: VII The Chariot—Generator, Motivator, Traveler. Gifted in setting ideas & projects into motion; bringing others along, moving fast!

4^th Insight: Don’t think, go w/ the flow—Build the world that’s needed & engage the community. We are the passionate transformers. Let’s go!

Endings and Beginnings

We’ve come to the end of one year, which brings the beginning of the next. It is always a good idea at this juncture to consider what you want to call forth in the new year and what you are willing to relinquish and leave behind in the old.

There’s a very simple ceremony I use to do this important work. It’s good if you can do it around the first, that adds to the impact of the ritual. It helps to do this before the new year, but it doesn’t matter.

Obviously, you’ll have to spend some time taking stock of what has helped and hindered you in the past. Then set some time aside for yourself and do this ritual. Just as with those tests in grade school, it helps to read all the way to the bottom before you do the ritual. Enjoy a wonderful year to come! Happy New Year!

Take three small slips of paper. On each one, list one thing you are willing to leave behind in the year that is ending.
Put those slips in the pocket of your dominant hand. (if you’re right handed, your right pocket; if left, your left.
Consider for a bit what it will mean to release these three things. What have you gotten from them? What have they cost you? What will you feel like without them?
Take three more slips of paper. On each of these, list one thing you for which you are willing to take responsibility during the coming year.
Put those slips in your non-dominant pocket.
What will it mean to you to have these things in your life? What will you receive? What will be different? What will make life better?
Walk around for a day or two with the slips in the pocket. Allow yourself to really imagine life without the things you’re releasing. Envision the new life brought to you by the things you’re inviting in.
A walk is always a good next step, or a labyrinth, or simply do your ritual at home. If you can, walk in silence. If you’re doing a seated ritual with others, then introduce yourself by name, claiming your place in the circle. (You move clockwise with the introduction and counterclockwise with the release.)
If you’re walking, walk to your destination, take out the release slips and read them aloud (unless you’re in a silent place) in this fashion. “Today I relinquish xxxxxxxxxxxx. I’m grateful for the lessons I learned from it. From this day forward it is no longer a part of my life.” Now burn (safely, please!), crinkle or discard the three scraps. (If walking, you can stick them in another pocket until you get home.)
Then read the calling-in slips. Use this format (again, pay attention as to whether silence is requested): Today I welcome xxxxxxxxxxx. This is now the way I live my life. In living this way, I increase my health and free my heart to respond to my community’s needs. I am grateful for the chance to enrich my life.” Put the slips in your dominant hand pocket. (Live with them for a few days and then put them on a dresser or table top or bathroom mirror to remind you how you have undertaken to live this year.
If you’ve been walking, turn about and walk silently back to your beginning. If you’re in the labyrinth, leave the release slip. If you’re in a group, say, moving from right to left “My name is XXX, in leaving this circle I walk my own path.”
Go out and have a very happy New Year. Lift a glass for Peace!

Well, It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

This is a frightening year for a lot of people. Things that looked so steady: houses, careers, relationships have to frequently crumbled under the economic troubles. When the holidays roll around during such times, people can who might not normally spend much money during the season are feeling deprived. It makes it tough.

Stores are helping people (and, okay, themselves) by providing layaway options. Slowly, slowly people are working their way toward bringing home the bike, clothing, doll, toy that their loved one desired.

So imagine their surprise, when they went to pay things off, to find their bills marked paid in full. Angels have been going into stores and paying off people’s layaway. And when others hear about the angels’ actions, they’re doing it too. The angels feel great about themselves and what they were able to do. And the recipients are having a wonderful holiday made all the sweeter by someone’s generosity.

Is supporting shopping the way to change the world? Probably not. But will it make some people’s holidays merry and bright? You betcha. It’s a fairly simple gesture that warms hearts and unites strangers. Nice, eh?

Happy Day, folks!

Fixes: The Progress Being made

When I started this site and this blog, my intention was to write about things that are working, things both small and large.

A convert to the notion that when people see things being changed —people making a difference — they, we, can more easily envision making a difference ourselves. We can argue about whether this government agency or that should be taking care of a problem that exists in our community. We will probably find it difficult to make headway on large systemic problems on our own… but headway can much more easily be made on small problems by one or more committed people. And what is really wonderful is that progress is being made all over the world by such inspired people.

We like being inspired. We rise to the occasion in the face of inspiration. We do good works, to use an outmoded phrase and notion. It makes us feel good about ourselves. There is some conversation in the medical literature (at least the small amount that I’ve read) that it makes us live longer. It also seems to be true that small successes breed larger ones. And we’re in need of successes both large and small in our world.

When I look at the mess that is our current global fiscal situation, I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t even know how to have a good conversation about that It’s not that I don’t like the conversations. To know me is to know I like to talk. I work to understand more. But in the meantime, I choose to respond by both the doing and reporting of small on-the-ground things that work.

And so every week, I read the Fixes column in the New York Times. It inspires me. It encourages me. It gives me good suggestions about where I can send my money to do good. It makes me consider what I might do in my own community to make a difference. Today’s column by David Bornstein is no exception. Read it. Feel good. And then think of a way that you might put all your lovely knowledge to work in your community. I really believe you are just a person to make a big difference in the way the world works. And I’m very happy that you’re out there doing good things. (So, write and tell me about them, I’ll post!).

Spirited Woman Prayer – Day 12

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