I don’t know that I’ve ever been so glad to see a month come to an end. I’m not a woman who wishes away Time, but it’s mighty damned convenient to have the month my sister died draw to a close only 3 days later. My new friend Katy, who helped me take care of Deb, pointed out that Jan died at the end of a month as well. So, in fact did Chad. Wayne died Memorial Day weekend. Sporting of them to get out before the month ended, eh? allowing us to turn the calendar page. My prayer is that the cool air that comes with the turning of the season salves my soul. Where the hell is Giliad anyway, and how do I get me some of that balm?
I’m longing for a new mandala and the chance to write about something else. I’m sure I’ll write again about this loss… how could I not… but maybe not so much when the pain is so debilitating. I crave the quiet. I drift from room to room here, surrounding by Deb’s stuff, wearing her jewelry, and an occasional bit of clothing, holding her close. I find I anguish about the fact her house isn’t neat. Deb whose house was always so neat… I, who am not neat, spends a lot of time straightening up.
In the language of flowers, a bouquet of mixed zinnias is offered in memory of someone… As I say in the poem, I love having the painting. These zinnias will not die. A bouquet of dead flowers or leaves also represents loss, but their bodies may be dead but their spirits are surely soaring and rejoicing. Wildly colored zinnias are exactly what’s needed…
I just checked. There are seven zinnias in the vase. One for each of the six beloved dead in my family and one, as the UUs would have it, for the here unnamed, but equally beloved departed. May they be at peace.
I have so much to say. So much to tell you about my sister’s very good death and my oh-so-painful losses and my deep joy at being able to be her midwife for leaving. But not now.
We often close church with a Metta meditation… I find I’m unsure of one of the words in the middle but will work with what I have right now: May we be happy. May we be whole. May we be filled with kindness and peace. I’m a long way from any of them at the moment, but soon I’ll try to claw my way back. It’s good to have a goal.
Hoping for champagne and chocolate cake in heaven today… wherever 6 or more are gathered, let there be champagne and chocolate.