This is a hard day for me. First Christmas without Deb. The reality of so many wonderful family Christmases, the remembrance of family gathered last night, and the beauty of family close by and far away, my dearly Beloved and my dearly beloved… and the sweet sadness of a woman missing, calls not made, hugs and kisses not given, conversations stilled.
I miss her. Terribly. I think about my friend without her husband. My nieces without their father. Our church without our Charlie. And my friends who have lost and lost. The loss is always true, always there, a small payment for the joy of having loved, but still… On a day when there is Hope, it is Hope despite the breaking hearts… and the Love which you all share with me.
There is so much that has been beautiful about this year. I am grateful for my Peace Path, for Love Flows, for my writing… and for all of you. I’m grateful for the opportunity to serve, the people who trust me and the ones I trust. Broken-heartedness doesn’t render me unable to serve and it doesn’t touch the Laughter. Thanks be for that.
And the Christmas question… can we allow (can I?) — despite aching hearts and broken promises and tattered dreams — Christmas to come? Come with a renewal of hope and faith in Possibility. Come with the enjoyment of family and friends. Come with its own urgency to Peace. Come with healing on its wings?
I hope so. And till it does, as it does, Deb, I miss you so much. And I fantasize, because we know nothing, that they keep Christmas in heaven (may there be a heaven) and you, at last, at last, at last, have your kids and your husband around the Tree and parents checking in… all hearts mended, all problems solved. And you’ll know we’re coming along some day…
And so, I will pick up the living room and put up the tree. And Steve and I will call the kids and celebrate… For I believe in Christmas and I’ll keep Christmas Day. And it will keep me until my heart is healed because I have kept it with you… and the many people I have loved… living and dead. Peace be with us all.